Since I got the news that my insurance company will no longer authorize any further therapy sessions, I’ve been very quiet and kind of withdrawn.   I didn’t really feel like sharing the information with anyone because I had not yet processed it for myself yet.

At first I felt betrayed but then that meant that I would have to be able to point my finger at someone.  Who betrayed me and why was I mad? Why were my feelings so hurt by the news?

I have had to think about this for awhile and what I discovered about myself is that I was made to be extremely uncomfortable by this news of change.  This change would mean that I have to move outside of the comfort level that I have somehow snuggled into at West Point.  This change means that I now have to work even harder to achieve the goals that I have to walk again.   I’ve figured out that I am mad because, damn it I’m tired of working so hard every day as it is…. what!?  Ugh!!!  I figured out that my feelings are hurt because I kind of feel alone in this struggle.  That is not to say that I don’t have supportive friends and family because I have learned from this experience that I have the best friends and family that anyone can ask for.   It just means that I am the one that has to do the work mentally and spiritually so that the results can be manifested physically.

Every night I pray before I go to sleep and I thank God for my life.  I ask for direction and strength and each day I listen for my answer.   My spirit just tells me to just be still, not move, and let God heal me so that is the direction that I am going to take.   When I meditate on that, I think of the scripture that says “Be Still and Know that I am God”  so I know that when my spirit tells me to be still and not move it means that I need to stop worrying and stop being anxious about my recovery, it means that I need not be moved in my faith because God is on the scene.  It does not mean for me to sit still and do nothing.  It does not mean for me to not take any action.  In fact, I think I am being directed to work harder than ever, that I need to put forth greater effort to push my body past the limit of this disability.   When I put forth the effort God will move and match my minor efforts and transform them into his miraculous works.

NR:  Today, I felt what I can only describe as a spasm in my left leg.  But is was somehow quite different.  It felt as if a lightning bolt of nerves surged down my leg and made it go rigid for about 10 seconds.  It actually startled me a little but as it began to subside, I realized that I had a little bit more mobility in that leg……  Ahhhh, PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSING FLOW!!!