Today is the first day that I have taken a fall since my TM onset.  Well, that is if you don’t count the three times that I have fallen from my wheelchair since September 2010 (haha).   It all seemed to happen in slow motion……..

I was standing up from my wheelchair and holding on to the door of the car, using the car as leverage, to take the two or three steps necessary to get into the car.  On the first step, for some reason, my balance left me and I started to fall backward.  I still had one hand on the car door as I began to fall.

I could see it all happening as if I were outside myself (really weird).  I was able to maneuver my left leg so that it didn’t crumple beneath me which may have caused damage to my knee.  So I am really thankful for the increased strength that I have in my legs that allowed me to do that.

My friend Kevin, who was getting into his car to leave saw me as I began to fall and came over to help me.  Also, my friend Mike was inside the house and heard what was going on and came outside to help as well.

Kevin (a nurse) began to instruct me on how to get up unassisted by turning to get over onto my knees but I wasn’t able to do that for some reason.  Instead, I situated myself so that I was sitting on my buttocks and pulled myself back toward the wheelchair.  I then used my arms to lift myself onto the wheelchair and by putting my feet beneath me, I used my feet to propel myself upward and onto the chair.

Phew!  I just had to fight back the tears of frustration….  I especially didn’t want to cry in front of Kevin or Mike.   But really, I didn’t even want to cry at all… I just hate that I am so emotional at times.  This was no reason to cry.

As Mike pointed out to me, this was progress.  There was a time that I would never have been able to get myself up from the floor unassisted.  Today, I did just that!!!!  So I celebrate the progress and continue to thank God for the manifestation of the complete healing that he has promised to me.

I have the best experience to share with everyone about….. HOME DEPOT

I should have shared it when it happened but I have to be honest and say that I have become an expert procrastinator.  I’m not proud of it but it is the truth for right now and I’m honestly going to try to change this about myself.

I have to give you the background on this story before I begin….   My physical therapy sessions had been suspended last year because of the politics/policies of my health insurance.  I was told by my therapist to go to my primary care physician in January or February 2014 and ask him to make a new referral. Blah, Blah, Blah…..

So in an effort to keep my progress forward moving, I asked my friend Mike if he thought that he could build parallel bars in my garage.  He felt confident that he could so we headed off to Home Depot to investigate materials, etc.  Mike has been helping me do some much needed repair in and around my home so we have made many trips prior to this particular one.

Before looking for the parallel bar material, we had a long list of other items to get for the projects that were already in progress at my house.  While we were in the lumber section of the store, a gentleman by the name of Rob  asked if we needed assistance.  He was extremely knowledgeable and had suggestions/recommendations for any questions we had from painting to equipment items.  We had been in the store for a very long time and yet Rob continued to eagerly assist us.

Once we had most of our listed items in the basket, Mike began to explain what he was trying to build for me and asked Rob what his thoughts were on the subject of building the parallel bars.  Rob suggested that Mike use pipe and elbow fittings, etc.  Rob asked me to stand up so that he could see how tall I was and that would help determine how tall the bars needed to be.  Mike helped me to stand up and while holding onto him and one of the aisle shelves, they measured the distance from the floor up to where the bar would be for me to hold on.  Having done this, Mike and Rob were off to the pipe cutter section of the store to get the materials cut and loaded onto a cart for us to take to the register.

Rob and Mike were talking as we were making our way to the register and I began to thank Rob for being so kind and so helpful.  I asked him for his last name because I wanted to nominate him for employee of the month.  He laughed a little and said he couldn’t be employee of the month because he was the store’s District Manager.   Mike and I laughed with him and we thanked him some more for his help.

It was our turn at the register and the cashier was ringing up my items and when she provided me with my total I was a little confused.  I told her that that couldn’t be right and that I thought she didn’t ring something up.  She said that it was the right amount because all of the materials that we were purchasing to build the parallel bars were being given to us for free.

I immediately became overwhelmed with emotion.  Random acts of kindness will almost always bring tears to my eyes and this time was no different.  The cashier noticed me tearing up and she said, “Please don’t cry because you are going to make me cry!”  Well I turned around and thank Rob again but he had disappeared just that quickly.  That made this experience even more wonderful.  This man blessed my life with his kindness and he did it selflessly.  He didn’t do it to be noticed or to have us make a fuss over it in front of others.  This is how I measured his sincerity and I want to emulate is actions in my life.

I am so thankful for this blessing.  More than the financial blessing (that pipe wasn’t cheap-haha), it was the kindness of his heart that I am so thankful for.  I was one customer among millions that go through the Home Depot doors and yet Rob connected with us on a personal level and decided that he would do something to help me in my efforts to walk again…..

I get so emotional each time that I think on this and so again I say…  Thank you Rob – Thank you Palm Springs, California Home Depot Store!

I went to physical therapy today and Brenda (therapist) said we were going to try to use crutches to walk today.  We went to the area of the gym where they have a mock set of stairs and I stood up from the wheelchair and held onto the rails until I could grab hold of the crutches (shown below).

I was soooo excited that we were going to do this as I’m always excited to try new exercises that will propel me towards independent walking.  AND THEN…. I panicked for some reason.  I suddenly was so afraid that I would not be able to do this, that I would not be able to get past this point.  I felt really mad that I had to struggle to do one more thing that was hard as hell to do!  And then the fear of falling paralyzed me.  I had to ask to sit down and then the tears welled up in my eyes because I felt like a failure for quitting.

I didn’t realize all of what I was feeling until I was on my way home on the Sundial Bus.  I had a chance to look inside myself and figure out what went wrong.   Fear of falling stopped me from making progress.  Fear stopped me from achieving my goals.

Anyway, Brenda was great in helping me to shift my focus by switching to a different exercise but then we went back to the original one except that we performed it inside of the parallel bars.

Having the parallel bars there provided me with an extra safety net which allowed me to focus on what Brenda was instructing me to do.  Annnd, I did it!  Granted, it was not perfect and I still have a long way to go before trying this on my own, but still, I did it with Brenda spotting me closely.

Yeah for me……  Thanks Brenda for being patient with me!

This past Friday, I met two outstanding people…..  A man named Terry and a lady named Carmen.  We stood at the entrance of the physical therapy building and chatted away/laughted for about 15 minutes.

I don’t know why these two people are different from anyone else that I meet but for some reason they left a profound impression on me.  The spirit that emanated from them made me feel as if I were amongst lifelong friends.  I sure hope I run into them again.

Thank you Terry for taking the time to stop in your tracks to talk 🙂

Thank you Carmen for educating me on the importance of lovely eyebrows 🙂

I have to tell you that just six weeks at PT has done so much for me.  I’m going to share some things that have been happening.

First I’ll tell you that one day I arrived to therapy and I saw a wooden sliding board propped against an exercise table.  I became overwhelmed with joy when I saw that board.  it was reminder to me of how much I have progressed since my TM onset date three years ago.  I’ve read so many accounts of people who have regained their ability to walk after several months and I have to be honest and say that I’m a little jealous (not in  a bad way) when I hear those accounts.  But you know what, my day is coming and I will soon be able to share my triumph and hopefully become a model of hope for someone whose recovery has been lengthy like mine…..  Anyway, I just had to share that thought.

Now, on to my updates…….

Squats – I am able to perform squats with much more stability.  I am still not able to do them freely without holding onto anything but the progress that I am experiencing is greater strength in my quad muscles.  I am beginning to actually “feel” them engage during the range of motion.

Waking – I still have to depend on the walker and but I feel like I am using my shoulders less to support my weight.  My right leg/foot movement is progressing faster than my left but I’m still encouraged that the left leg will soon catch up.

Standing Time and Stability – The challenge that I’m working on is locking out my knees when I stand.  At physical therapy, Brenda has me performing exercises that will force me to weight shift onto my left leg, to stand with my knees in a bent position, and standing stable while moving various objects which forces me to further stabalize my core while standing.

Sleep Positions – Previously when sleeping I was not able to shift positions easily.  It took me about a minute to move my body into a different position.  These days I can turn over much more easily and therefore I get much better sleep at night.

Nu-Step Recumbent Bike – I just love that I am able to use this bike at therapy.  I am able to use the bike and I’m able to keep my legs/knees stable.  They no longer wobble and I’m currently cycling at level 6 for 15 to 20 minutes.

To many people, this may not seem like much but for me these small steps are monumental and I rejoice for all this progress.  Yeahhhhhh!!!!! 🙂

I have to say that I have been so negligent in keeping this blog up-to-date.  I don’t know what comes over me sometimes.  I think this may be a TM side effect… but then I really have to ask myself “was I a lazy azz procrastinator” before the TM onset – hahaha!!

Well I want to change my evil ways and I am definitely going to try to stick to trying to stay current with the postings.   Well, here is the latest and greatest – and let me tell you there is some great stuff happening since I last posted.

From May 2013 through mid July, I have had significant gains in many areas.  Listing them individually may become somewhat tedious but I am going to do  it anyway.  When I take these minute gains and look at them cumulatively, I thank and praise God for continued restoration and healing.

Since May, I am no longer going to physical therapy because my insurance company (Anthem Blue Cross) has refused to approve me for additional visits although my doctors have stated that I would benefit from additional sessions.  I am currently fighting for additional therapy but that is a tangent that I will give more detail on at a later time.  I dont want to get all pissed off and throw this laptop across the room :).

OK, so here we go……..

Ankle Range of Motion has improved significantly especially on my right side. The left side is still very tight and I actually feel some pain when trying to move the left ankle from side to side

High Stepping is an exercise I try to do while standing at or walking in my walker.  I try to raise my knees as high as possible and I am making great gains.  Again the left side is weaker but it is coming along.

Showering has certainly changed for me since my onset date.  When I first came home from the hospital, I had to be carried into the shower and placed onto the shower seat and I really had to hold on so that I would not fall over.  These days, I can get into the shower unassisted, I can stand up in the shower (but I still have to hold onto the rail) and soap myself up, turn around and rinse off, get out dry myself and all without any help!  Just to clarify, when I get from the wheelchair to the shower, I have to scoot over from one chair to the other but now I’m going to start working on standing up and lifting my leg over the tub.  I’m just a little nervous at this point because I don’t want to slip and fall.

I am so excited about my progress…. I hope that you are excited about the gains you are making in your journey as well.  🙂

Okay, I have been just terrible at posting and documenting my recovery.  I will not offer up any excuses.  I will only say that my productivity has been riding a roller coaster and it seems that I’ve been stuck in the low end of the tracks.  Well, its time to pull myself up and stay committed to sharing my story.

Soooooo, since I’ve last written, many things have been developing but I will start with today and work my way backward.

Today marked a urological milestone.  Back in August 2011, while under the care of a UCLA urologist, I had a supra pubic tube inserted just below my belly button.  Because of my lack of mobility below the waist and my inability to move my legs or lift myself, I was unable to use a catheter (insert a tube into my bladder via the urethra) to empty my bladder.  Because of increased strength and mobility, I am now able to perform this task and my new urologist (Loma Linda University) felt it was now time to remove the tube.  So today was supra pubic tube removal day 🙂  I feel very anxious and scared about this because my safety net has been removed.  I now have the task of completely managing the voiding process.   One of the ways in which TM negatively impacted me was that I ended up with a neurogenic bladder.  This means that I can not urinate on my own because the signals to and from the brain that control this process have been interrupted.  To make matters worse, my bladder has decreased in size and therefore I have little to no holding capacity, which in turn means that I have to empty my bladder almost every two hours.   This was very maddening initially when I was first learning how to self cath.   I can only now look back at my learning process and laugh whereas before there were tears.

I only had a general idea of what I was suppose to do to self cath.  I was relying on the knowledge I had from when I was at the neurological rehab unit in November 2011.  The nurses there showed me this process so that I would know when they released me to go home.   I also relied on YouTube instructional videos.  When both of these sources failed to help me, I decided that I had to have a nurse come out to my home and help me.

Let me tell you that it is very humbling to have to spread your legs for a nurse so that you can fumble around and find your own urethra while she holds a flashlight – lol.   I thank God that the nurse is the one that comes out to my house monthly to change out the supra pubic tube.  (I love you Cindy)  She was very patient and very helpful and didn’t make me feel stupid or uncomfortable.

Anyway, this is a huge next step for me and I am trying to be positive.   Noooo, I will be positive!

March 5th – Walked 75′ with a quad cane and the assistance of my physical therapist

March 7th – Walked 90″ with a quad cane and the assistance of my physical therapist

So, my daughter Jasmine took me to Target this past Tuesday and we decided to use the motorized chair that Target provides for customer use.  We thought that it would be more convenient to use their chair because of the attached basket.

We were about 15 minutes into our shopping when I had to go use the restroom.  Well, first of all let me say that someone in the architectural department did not consider that they needed a wider turning radius in order to get that chair into the restroom.  I think that they are gonna have to buy a little touch up paint to fix up the areas that I banged into trying to get into the restroom – lol.

Then, as if that wasn’t enough, the battery on their chair died and was far to heavy for Jasmine to push out of the restroom.  Good heavens!!

Well, that left me no other choice but to maneuver into the stall by holding on only to the stall door, wall and bars.   I was sort of pleased that I was put to the test in this situation.  I realized that I am getting stronger and stronger because there was a time when I would not have been able to make it to the toilet without transferring from less than a foot away.  I was able to walk from the stall door to the toilet seat (apps 6 feet), turn around, pull down my clothing, put a cover on the toilet, squat down, do my business and get up and get out of there.

I praise God for my restoration….. slow and steady wins my race!!!!

Today marked a huge milestone for me at physical therapy.  When I arrived, Darlene suggested that we start off the hour by walking with the quad cane.  I was prepared to surpass my personal best but then something made me focus on a different task so I asked Darlene if she would spot me extra close because I wanted to try to take steps without holding onto the walker or the quad cane.  Lo & behold! – I took a step with my left leg and I didn’t falter.  I took a step with my right leg and practically fell over forward.  We were just thrilled – well at least I know that I was – haha!  I was so excited that I think I squealed with laughter for a few times – haha!

When initiating the step with my right leg, I am having trouble controlling the placement of my foot.  My foot tends to pull towards the left and I end up practically stepping on my left foot.  Darlene says that I will need to work on strengthening the muscles in my right hip.

We continued this exercise within the parallel bars and I did fairly well considering.  I definitely do not have my balance under control yet but I can tell that it is better than it was last week.

My homework this week is to do bridges with a five pound wait across my stomach.  Also, I have to bridge while holding a ball or pillow between my knees.

My friend Sheila called me as I am writing this and I told her about my milestone and she reminded me of how we use to scream last year when I simply stood up for 5 seconds!  HaHa!  Slow and steady is definitely my way to go during this journey.

Praise God for my healing!!!!!!!!!!!!!