Yesterday, I had an appointment with my neurologist (Dr. Seymour Young – Desert Oasis Healthcare) and I was happy to see that he was so outwardly pleased with my progressed.  He was impressed with the amount of movement that I have in my toes and my ankles.  He was also very pleased to see that I can stand up so much better than I did during my prior visit to his office approximately three months ago.

It always make me feel good when my doctors are pleased with my progress.  It may not seem like much to you guys but let me tell you this…. It is so much greater to have this type of response rather than to have the stoic face of a doctor that sees no hope in my situation.

I remember when I was in the hospital two years ago and I remember the “poker faces” of my doctors at that time.  They were intent upon not offering me any hope of a better future.  I don’t say that as a derogatory comment.  It was simply a point of fact.  Because they did not know my future (TM is very rare) how could they possibly offer me anything but a warm smile and a pat on the arm.

Anyway, while I was waiting inside the doctors office for my bus ride home, I had the pleasure of speaking with a very nice lady named Nancy.   She asked me if I was in the wheelchair due to a problem with arthritis.  I told her no and also gave her a little background on my situation.  She shared with me that she has MS and that she may at some point have to use a wheelchair if her legs weaken to the point that she is not able to walk.  Nancy and I had a wonderful conversation that I am unable to share with you because I don’t want to share her information publicly.   Nancy, if you read this blog, I want you to know that our conversation was very enlightening to me and I continue to think about what my purpose in this situation is.  I enjoyed our conversation very much!

I don’t know about you but when I think of an anniversary, I think of celebration.  Subsequently, I relate celebration to a happy event or occasion.

But today, that is not the case.  We all soberly remember the tragedy that occurred 11 years ago today.  So many of our fellow Americans fell on this date, families were shattered, lives ended and/or were changed forever.

Two years ago today, I suffered a personal tragedy myself.  I was stricken with TM, which resulted in the disability that I am recovering from today.  As I think about it, I feel as if my body was attacked much like the attack on the twin towers.  It was a surprise attack!  It came out of the blue!  Never in life did I expect such a thing to happen!  I was crippled emotionally!  I did not lose my life but I was severely wounded….  I thank God for my life!

Please don’t be offended.  If you for any second think that I am minimizing the event of 9/11/2001 by making the above comparison, please dispel that thought immediately.  I completely recognize the differences.

When I look back at my life two years ago, about how I just moved from day to day in my everyday life, about how I was having such a great time at Ralph’s Labor Day BBQ, about how a week before that I was out dancing with my girlfriends in L.A………  Ohhh, when I look back at  two years ago I am still just stunned that today I am having to learn to stand up, learn to control my core muscles, learn to walk again.  I am just stunned.  It has been a very tough two years both emotionally and physically.

I was very restless last night and was up until very late as I meditated on the journey that I have been through.  I was thinking about how weary I’ve been as of late.  How frustrated I have been because I have not yet seen the full manifestation of God’s promise to restore me.  I’m not at all frustrated with God.  I know that I am healed.  Its the timeline that is frustrating.  It takes time for the nerves and muscles to recover and interact the way they were designed to.   I thought about how I’ve suffered from waves of sadness and depression over the past two years.  But mostly last night I thought about how blessed I am that I still have my life and that I look forward to much better day.  I know it is on the horizon.

I wonder about the families from 9/11 and how they have been surviving…. I can not even imagine their situation.  I can not imagine how that event stormed through their lives and the ripples that will be everlasting no matter how far away we get from that actual date.

So today is what they call the anniversary of that tragic event.  It is the anniversary of my tragic event.  And I have come to the conclusion that the thing I will relate to this anniversary, to this celebration is the fact that we are survivors.  I celebrate our spirit of survival!

My heart goes out to all those who were so personally touched by this event.  May God’s peace continue to envelop you and move you forward!

It has been a great few days since September 3rd.   Here are some of the highlights…..

1 Year Anniversary of Being Back In the Desert – As of 9/5, it has been exactly one year since I moved back to the desert from Los Angeles.  As I look back, I think about how when I arrived that I had to helped out of the car and could barely make it into the wheelchair from the car.  I think about how I could not reach the upper cabinets in the kitchen so Mike barked at Sheila to make sure she put everything where I could reach it. I think about how afraid I was to be back home without Mike and the kids being around.  In this one year, so many things have changed for the better.  I have made so much progress.  I am no longer afraid!

My Grandma’s Birthday.  I am so blessed to have my grandmother here with us alive, well and with all her faculties.  She turned 93 on September 5th.  This is a true blessing to our family.  We have five generations in this family that get to know and love her…. Wow!

My Cousin Opens a New Restaurant – Last week Mara and Ruben opened their new destination hot spot in downtown Palm Springs.  A great seafood joint…. Ruben & Ozzy’s Oyster Bar & Grill.   Jasmine and I went there on Thursday afternoon and I was pleased beyond my greatest expectations at the place and the food was amazing!  I am so proud of my family!

Recliner Purchased thanks to my Grandma – Jasmine drove me out to Indio in search of a recliner for the house.  Sitting in this scooter chair all day is beginning to be problematic no matter how much I stand or do laps around the house.  My hips need to be able to get out of this position.  We found the perfect chair and not only does it recline but it massages, and heats and lifts.  Yeah!  Ok, but one small hiccup… they delivered it this afternoon and I had to refuse it and send it back because it didnt work… Booooo 🙁

STANDING WITH MORE EASE – This morning, I stayed in bed after waking up at 9:00 a.m.  I decided that I would just lay there and read.  (I’ve been reading The Hunger Games trilogy and am now on the final book.)   After getting my morning fill of reading I decided I would shower and shampoo my hair and get dressed before getting a bite to eat.  After doing all of that and then making my way to the kitchen I decided to do a little standing first.  I WAS SHOCKED at how easily I got to my feet this morning.  It was almost as if I didn’t have to think about the process at all.  This was just amazing to me because, it just confirmed what my spirit has been telling me….. to be still and let God do the healing while I do my part in getting these muscles strengthened to do their job.

On Tuesday, I contacted my pastor and asked her about fasting because I felt that my spirit was leading me in that direction.  She told me that, coincidentally enough that she was just preparing a lesson plan on fasting and praying and that she would send me over some information.

That coincidence confirmed for me that fasting is what I was suppose to do.  So, I fasted yesterday.  I read Isaiah 58 as a point of reference.  I fasted in order to deny my flesh and increase my spiritual awareness.  I didn’t tell anyone else that I was fasting.  It was going to be between me and God.  If you are thinking about fasting, go to your Bible and find scripture  on it.  For me, Isaiah 58 put it all in perspective for me.

Bible App Suggestion….  If you have and IPhone, you may want to upload a free app of the NKJV Bible for iPhone.  It has a great “topic search” feature which is how I found the scriptures on fasting.  It also has other great user friendly features.  Annnnd, its free.

Since I got the news that my insurance company will no longer authorize any further therapy sessions, I’ve been very quiet and kind of withdrawn.   I didn’t really feel like sharing the information with anyone because I had not yet processed it for myself yet.

At first I felt betrayed but then that meant that I would have to be able to point my finger at someone.  Who betrayed me and why was I mad? Why were my feelings so hurt by the news?

I have had to think about this for awhile and what I discovered about myself is that I was made to be extremely uncomfortable by this news of change.  This change would mean that I have to move outside of the comfort level that I have somehow snuggled into at West Point.  This change means that I now have to work even harder to achieve the goals that I have to walk again.   I’ve figured out that I am mad because, damn it I’m tired of working so hard every day as it is…. what!?  Ugh!!!  I figured out that my feelings are hurt because I kind of feel alone in this struggle.  That is not to say that I don’t have supportive friends and family because I have learned from this experience that I have the best friends and family that anyone can ask for.   It just means that I am the one that has to do the work mentally and spiritually so that the results can be manifested physically.

Every night I pray before I go to sleep and I thank God for my life.  I ask for direction and strength and each day I listen for my answer.   My spirit just tells me to just be still, not move, and let God heal me so that is the direction that I am going to take.   When I meditate on that, I think of the scripture that says “Be Still and Know that I am God”  so I know that when my spirit tells me to be still and not move it means that I need to stop worrying and stop being anxious about my recovery, it means that I need not be moved in my faith because God is on the scene.  It does not mean for me to sit still and do nothing.  It does not mean for me to not take any action.  In fact, I think I am being directed to work harder than ever, that I need to put forth greater effort to push my body past the limit of this disability.   When I put forth the effort God will move and match my minor efforts and transform them into his miraculous works.

NR:  Today, I felt what I can only describe as a spasm in my left leg.  But is was somehow quite different.  It felt as if a lightning bolt of nerves surged down my leg and made it go rigid for about 10 seconds.  It actually startled me a little but as it began to subside, I realized that I had a little bit more mobility in that leg……  Ahhhh, PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSING FLOW!!!

The past week has been great and I am going to claim a new week that will be just as great.

At physical therapy, we have continued to work on strengthening my core.  I am seeing great results (slow but great) as strength and control increase.  I am able to stand up easier and not using the side arms of the chair so much to start me off into the standing position.  I am standing more securely for a little while longer than before.

Yesterday at PT, we did a new exercise to strengthen my core.  I got onto the mat and turned over onto my stomach and then raised myself onto all fours.  At that point I tried to raise myself up onto my knees and hold myself in an erect position.  Lo and behold!  I could NOT do it.  I would never guess that I could not do this.  So this is what I am going to work hard at now.  For some reason I feel that, if I can conquer this task then I will be well on my way to walking again.

Also, Darlene (my physical therapist who I just adore) has had me sitting on the balance ball while doing certain core exercises.  I sit there and she instructs me to “Don’t Let Me Push You Around”  She will try to take me off-center and I need to maintain my balance on the ball.  I am doing so much better at this exercise than when I first tried this months ago.  I am feeling the strength and coordination working from my core down thru my legs.

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DARLENE, if you happen to read this I want you to know how much I absolutely appreciate you.  I look forward to going to therapy because you are always pleasant and you give me the hope and courage to keep fighting.  I appreciate all your hard work and the fact that I can laugh and smile with you thru this adversity means more to me than I will ever be able to explain.  I just want you to know that I think YOU ARE GREAT!!!!

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Today, I was informed that my insurance would not approve any further physical therapy treatments because I have reached my maximum number of sessions allowed.  All I can say is WOW…….  How the heck am I suppose to get better with this kind of bureaucratic bullcrap!!!!  Oh Satan, you are such a liar.  This will not stop me… take your little pitch fork and go straight back to hell!!!!!!

Tonight I did my minimum of three laps around the house with the walker.  I would have to say that they were better today than any other days because I did not feel the need to look down at my feet so often.  I only looked down as I was coming to the turn of the doorways. Oh yeah!  I’m so proud of me!!!!!

Lap Update – I did two laps around the house with the walker yesterday.  It was really challenging for some reason.  My back muscles are so tight and very uncomfortable- Ugh! Gotta do some stretching to see if that helps today.

It’s early in the day still and I just stopped to write before I get ready to go to physical therapy……

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Physical therapy was good today.  I was pleased with my effort today.  Darlene “pushed me around” today.  🙂  This was an exercise to further strengthen my core muscles.  I sat on the big balance ball (a chair on either side of the ball for safety) while she sat behind me and provided resistance to the direction that I was to push against.   In the next exercise, I had to hold a dowel (an exercise stick) out in front of me at arms length while she pushed me in any given direction.  I had to maintain my balance or recover my balance if I became unsteady.  Although this sound fairly simple, it was very taxing.  I actually broke out into a slight sweat from it.  Anyway, I just wanted to say that I am very proud of being able to do this exercise because back in February of this year I was not able to sit on the ball unassisted, no less hold onto something and maintain my balance.  I would have been on the floor.

On the way home on the Sunline Bus, I decided to continue this exercise by not holding on to the railing in the bus but keep my balance and not get thrown from the seat .  The only thing that kept me planted was my core strength and the seatbelt. HaHa!

Today when I was at physical therapy, there was a man that walked in when I did.  He was using a walker and was assisted by his wife.  We all found our way to be seated in the waiting area.  He asked me what had happened to me and I gave him the very very brief explanation saying that I had a spinal cord injury.  I asked him what had brought him here and he began to tell me that he’d had a brain tumor and the complications of the surgery caused him to have problems walking.

Well, in all actuality, he began to tell me but his wife finished telling me what had happened because he fell silent and could not seem to finish his statement.  I got the impression that this was from becoming overly emotional and not from an inability to speak.

As we waited to be called by our respective therapist, we chatted about our challenges.  We spoke about how fear is crippling and can prevent us from moving forward on our road to recovery.   We shared that we were both afraid of falling and breaking a bone and then have to deal with an additional set back.  I shared some of my same fears with him and it seemed that having someone who shares his challenges say that they shared the same fears was somehow encouraging.   I asked him if it were ok if I held his hand and he extended it to me.  When I took hold of his had I simply said… lets promise ourselves that we will stay encouraged no matter what.  He agreed.

Today I felt as if I said the right thing and I didn’t even have to try or think about what to say.  So I thank you God for your guidance and wisdom!

As far as my work out today…. We worked on different exercises to better my balance.  I’m  getting there.  I also walked with the canes as well as the walker.  I will not do any laps around the house today.  I am wiped out!

Ohhhh, one last thing.  CINDY FROM DOHC IS INCREDIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!  She was here today and worked her magic.  I love you Cindy!!!!!

Ok, I only did two laps around the house today.  My goal was to surpass what I did yesterday which means that I should have done four today.  I am only a little bit disappointed and I am not going to kick myself for missing it.  I am proud that I did two.  As I was finishing up the 2nd lap, I felt a pain in my upper thigh of my right leg.  I could not tell whether it was muscle pain or bone pain.  That may seem ridiculous to many but because I don’t have full sensation in my legs, it it hard to decipher what is what when it comes to pain.

So I decided not to do a third lap.  I always prefer to be safe than sorry.  And since I have physical therapy tomorrow, I will try to achieve my goal while I am there and have some assistance in case of a mishap.

COOKING TIP – SHARPER IMAGE SUPER WAVE OVEN

This is totally off the subject but I have to recommend it.  When my beautiful grandmother was here last week, she bought me this marvelous contraption which makes cooking alot less complicated.  It is made by Sharper Image and it sits on your counter and you can cook almost anything in it in half the time as the oven or microwave.  I cooked two cornish hens and seasoned potatoes in 45 minutes.  No mess and no fuss…. Thanks Grandma!!

There has been no one at my house today so it has been very quiet here today.  I didn’t even have the television on until late afternoon.  All morning I listened to gospel music that I have on my little player.  It was very rejuvenating and I needed an uplifted spirit today.   Not so much for myself but for others that I’ve read about that are suffering from similar situations.  I read about the frustrations of two different people who stated that they didn’t feel as if they could go on.  That made my heart heavy for them because I know how they feel and yet I didn’t have the words to share with them that would have made a difference in their outlook.

Sometimes we have the right intentions but we often say the wrong thing to those that really need the most encouragement.  And wrong words can often lead to that person feeling worse off than before.

I know that there have been times that I have felt like giving up and it is a horrible place to be.  I found out that I was looking to other people to change the way I felt or waiting for others to change my environment or do something that would make me feel better.  I realize that not one other person alive can do this for us.  Yes, positive reinforcement from friends and family is crucial but we have to be the ones to change our minds about how our recovery is going to be.  I could not do this alone.  I had to and still have to look to God for strength.  When I am weak, he is always strong.  When I am confused, he always has the answer.  When I feel depression trying to sneak up on me, I have to rebuke it in the name of Jesus.  I am learning to call on Jesus to pull me thru and learning to praise him for every minute bit of progress that I make.

Today, in my quiet time, I am asking God to guide me on how I can encourage others that need a good word and a good work to get them beyond what they are feeling.  Even if it means that I can get someone thru from one minute to the next minute then that is what I want to do……

Oh yeah…  I did three laps around the house today with my walker!  Tomorrow I am going to shoot for four laps.  Each day I want to add a lap.