Its approximately 4:30 p.m. and as I sit here watching the Ellen Degeneres Show and laughing so hard at the pranks she plays.  Go Ellen!  I need to write in to her and see if I can go on her show.   I need to go on the show when those two little girls are on (Sophia Kate & Rosie) because I personally want to administer some Nyquil to Sophia Kate.  What the heck makes this kid so hyper – I want to slap her to sleep!  HA!

Ok, I got off track.  My intention was to share how I feel today after waking up from a full night of sleep.  I awoke feeling well rested and when I did my morning exercises (leg raises, bridges, sit ups, etc).  NR:  I find that I am gaining more range of motion while performing the leg raises going up and down.  Now I need to work on “control” while moving the leg from side to side.  I also noticed that I am able to better wiggle the toes of my right foot and although I can not wiggle the toes of the left foot, I am able to move them better than before.  So although, progress is slower on the right side, it is still progress.

So needless to say,  I feel good about progress today.   I’ve been daydreaming about what I am going to do when I am fully recovered.   On my agenda:  dancing (get ready Ralph!),  bike riding, yoga and simply walking in my back yard 🙂

Yesterday, I spoke to someone regarding the emotional roller coaster that I have been on.  This person was neither friend nor family and I found that I could open up completely without worrying about being judged.  I could express exactly how I have been feeling and not feel as if I would be considered weak, or ungrateful for my blessings, or silly by my friends or family.  I felt like I could peel off this poker face and just let all my emotions spill out in one ugly pile.

I talked about how I sometimes feel as if I have no purpose in my day.  I talked about how I feel sad because I can not walk or provide for myself like I use to.  I talked about how difficult it is for me to depend on others to do things that I could previously do myself.  I talked about how it frustrates me when my friends and family sometimes talk to me as if I am a child and even though I know it is out of care and concern that it still bothers me.  I talked about how frustrating it is to deal with all the doctor appointments and how people don’t really listen.  I talked about so many things that I have been keeping bottled up inside because I don’t want to further burden any of my friends and family.  I don’t want to be their “Debbie Downer”   I cherish my friends and family and I don’t want them to worry about me more than they do so I keep many of my thoughts and fears to myself.

It really, really helped to “vocalize” what I was feeling and it seemed to slow down the chaos that has been swirling around in my head.   I wholeheartedly suggest that if you are experiencing anything like I have been feeling that you reach out to someone and start talking…. I am going to keep on talking too.   If you wanna talk to me, just let me know and I will make myself available to you….I am not a counselor or certified in anything but I promise you that I know how to listen and sometimes we all need someone to just listen to us without trying to fix us.   Someone listened to me yesterday, even through my tears, and I feel that the weight on my shoulders has lifted a little.

I had a very restless night.  A nightmare, in which some blurred demon jerked me by the ankles, turned me over onto my back and drug me to the end of my bed, woke me violently at about 5:00 a.m.  While he forcefully held my leg and arm, I screamed out my prayer for help to God.   I was terrified but I did not stop screaming out my prayers.  Then suddenly, that demon hold was released and I gasped for breath and thats when I woke up.

It felt so real and was very unsettling that I sat up in bed and turned on the fan so that the air hitting my face would soothe my nerves.  I eventually turned on the television so that the voices of others would prevent my brain from kicking into gear.  I am not sure how long it was before I fell back to sleep but I did fall back to sleep.  I didn’t dream anything but I awoke again breathing hard and out of breath as if I had been running for miles.

In September 2010, TM grasped me by the same leg that the dream demon grabbed me by.  He did not hold me for long in the dream and nor will TM hold me for long either.

I will FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT! No matter how weary I am I will FIGHT!!!!

PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL MY BLESSINGS FLOW…..

The past few days have been a roller coaster of emotions.  One moment I am up and the other I am down.   When I start to spiral downward, I think about all the blessings in my life.  I am blessed that I have a home to live in and that I have space to move around.  I am blessed that I have family and friends to push me through when things feel tough.  I am blessed that I have family and friends that help me exercise.  I am simply blessed!

I get tired and frustrated because it seems that my complete healing is at my fingertips and I just gotta keep it movin’……. I just have to say that this is very hard.   Fighting every day makes me weary…….. but what did I just say????

I AM BLESSED!

Exodus 15:26 
26… I am the Lord who heals you.”

Pearl use to say “If you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say nothing at all.”  For the past two days I really didn’t have much to say so I have been silent.   Also, I have been feeling a little bit down for reasons that I can not explain so I just shut my mouth.  I try not to  paint negative pictures unless there is a legitimate reason to do so.  I feel a little more upbeat today thank goodness.

Earlier today, I had to take the bus to Rancho Mirage to a place called Serenity so that I could be fitted for a knee brace.

As soon as I opened the front door to my house, the heat smacked me in the face and made my head spin around!  (Official temperature today was 114 degrees.)   I put my scooter chair on high speed and raced it to the bus ramp.  I didn’t want to be in the heat for a second longer than I had to.

I got on the bus and found myself seriously giving thanks for air conditioning.  I sat there and looked out the window at the open desert on the way to my destination.  I started to think about the people who pioneered the area and were the first to build their homes here in the desert.  Along time ago, I remember looking at a special edition of Palm Springs Life Magazine and seeing photos of the first homes in the area.  All I could think, while staring out the window was the fact that the pioneer women were seriously ‘bad-azz” and that I would not have made it a day even on my best of days.   Then I had to laugh because I thought to myself, I bet anything that there was not one black woman in the bunch that pioneered of her own free will – Ha!   (I think I will have to research that fact)

In any case, today was a good day even though I have been feeling physically uncomfortable for the past several days.  The muscles in my lower back hurt and I am having nerve pain in my mid-upper back.  I also am having swelling in my left leg again….

I will close on a positive note:  I feel as if my balance is getting a bit better when I am standing.  I make a point of standing up in the kitchen to wash dishes or make coffee or other small chores.  I force myself not immediately grab for the counter or sink when I feel that I’m about to teeter in any given direction.

PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL MY BLESSING FLOW!

I was awake last night until about 2:00 a.m.   I was bored and went online to Yahoo Games and got addicted to this really simple game where you have to make balloons explode.  Ridiculous right!  I played until my eyes felt crossed!

This morning I woke up excited that today is a Physical Therapy day.  Even nicer is that my cousin-in-law (she hates to be named on public sites so I will call her Ruby) is coming over to help me with housecleaning that I cant really do or cant do well from this wheelchair.  Thanks Ruby – you are awesome!

I was so disappointed when I got a call saying that my PT session is canceled today because my therapist was not in today.  🙁  I so look forward to these sessions not only because of the therapy but because they are also a source of social activity for me.  I get to talk with people and not sit in this house all day long.  Don’t get me wrong.  I just love my house.  I just get lonely sometimes.  I think that what I feel sometimes is what they call cabin fever.  Thank goodness I love my cabin.

My auntie and Victor came over and Victor helped me to walk around the house with the walker.  I made it three times before my right knee began to feel weak.  At the end of the first lap I felt strong and energetic.  I remember a time not so long ago when the first lap felt like I had just ran 5 miles.

PT or not….. gonna keep it moving!

I will start this post by giving thanks to all divisions of our military’s men and women who have previously and/or presently serve our great country.  Thank you for your selflessness!

Today, I am also remembering my old self.   The new me is wrapped around the old me.  I feel sometimes like I am being slowly transformed from the inside out.  That only stands to reason since I was attacked from within.  There are parts of the old me that are disappearing as I heal and grow.  As a light-hearted example, my tendencies toward OCD have begun to fade.  I am learning that there are many things that I can not control and more importantly I have found that the things that I have fought to keep control of really do not matter much at all.

Today, was a good day but I had to fight really hard to shake off the sadness that was lurking at the surface of my emotions.   It was a quiet day at home and I just could not pinpoint what was making me feel sad.   It was late afternoon when I finally broke down and cried.  I was not crying for anything in particular, I just felt sad and didn’t feel like holding it in any longer.   All day long, I had performed busy-work.  Things to keep me busy and distract me from what I was feeling.  I jumped into a good book and got lost in the story and before I knew it, I had finished the book……  With nothing else to distract me (I didn’t feel like doing the dishes – ha!) I decided that I would follow the rule that Jasmine and I enacted for ourselves.  I would allow myself 5-10 minutes of crying then look in the mirror to see how ugly we look when we cry, then laugh at myself and all that ugliness and finally get over myself.  I did exactly that and I felt better.  You know, sometimes we need to just have a release!  So I decided that I’m gonna cry when I wanna cry because sometimes I just need to rinse out my heart.

Somebody pass me the tissues!

First, I have to say that today is the most beautiful day here in the desert.  It is 85 degrees (a bit windy) and just feels like the perfect weather.  I relaxed outside in my backyard and read a book while sitting in the sun, feeling a cool breeze and loving the smell of the jasmine that is in full bloom.  What a perfectly relaxing afternoon!

And I deserve it – ha!  I woke up late, rushed around getting ready for physical therapy and while I was getting ready I missed the bus.  I never heard them arrive out front.   I have to say that I absolutely love the service provided by SunLine.  They are friendly, professional and a pleasure to deal with.

I was so very upset with myself because I do not like to miss physical therapy.  I called my cousin Chris who lives close by to see if he was available to take me and yes he was.  He rushed over and I got there in time.  Yessss!

At PT, I rode the stationary bike for 10 minutes on level 8.  After the bike, Jessica and I worked on the stepper again.  She gave me more tips on how to perform the exercise and the dynamic of which muscles are being called into play.  I did this a little bit better but it will simply take lots of practice.  I typically do not work with Jessica, and the first time that I met with her she did my intake evaluation.  Today, in addition to my exercises, she measured my progress in terms of strength in comparison to when I first came to West Point.  She stated that she was pleased to see my increased strength and progress.  She is going to try to order a walking knee brace for me to prevent me from injuring my right knee as it tends to hyperextend.  I need to strengthen my quads but in the interim we need to take precautions.

Raymond, I wish you were here to see me progressing.  I guess you will just have to wait and see me walking soon 🙂

I’ve been feeling good and energetic for the past two days so yesterday I took advantage of all this energy to clean up the house some.  I spent most of the day, however, doing more exercises than I normally do.  My aunt Dorothy came over yesterday and she watched me while I walked in the walker.  I’ve been using the yellow Theraband ball to strengthen the muscles in my hips and in my core.

Today, I tackled cleaning out my fridge and cooked up lots of stuff that I can freeze for later.   No, this was not in my fridge…. but a few more days and who knows what I would have found – HA!

My cousin Chris stopped by today and did a little grocery shopping for me, which was perfect timing since I threw everything out of my fridge!

While messing around in the kitchen today I stood up as much as possible when having to reach up into the cabinets, or washing dishes, or using the cutting board.  Ok, so maybe I wont use the cutting board while standing up for awhile.  HaHa!  It was a little scary when I lost my balance with a big ol’ knife in my hand!

This is progress…. I am now able to keep better balance while standing and when I lose my balance I am able to recover much more often than I use to.  I am also doing my leg raises much better today than I did last week.  I cant wait to show Darlene at physical therapy tomorrow.  Yessssss!!!!!

PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL MY BLESSINGS FLOW.

At physical therapy today, Darlene had me do a new exercise.  I can not believe how hard it was.  She put a step-board down between the parallel bars and I had to step up onto it and down from it.  I would never have imagined that this would be so hard to do  But I did it and I did it several times.  I am determined to take a step class soon – HA!  But ohhh my, I have to get my legs bigger than that chick in the pink shorts below…. 🙂