I am so proud of myself!!!!

Today, I did two laps around the house all alone with the walker.  The second lap was pretty scary because my legs felt tired and I was fearful that I was going to fall.

Then I remembered hearing a commercial that aired during the Olympics where a young gal says… “fear doesn’t know me” and I had to laugh at myself.  Just like I said yesterday, it has to be mind over matter.  And I don’t mind so it don’t matter if I fall because I’m going to get back up again!

Tomorrow, my goal is three laps around the house.

Last night, I was exhausted and fell asleep early.  I woke up at 1:21 a.m. because I was very uncomfortable with pain in my left hip.  I had a dull ache that just would not allow me to get comfortable.  I tossed and turned for hours.  Finally, I decided that I would just be still and not move regardless of how uncomfortable I was.   As I was laying there, a verse that I read in the Bible came to me and I just kept repeating it over and over in my head; Be Still and Know That I am God.

I dont remember when it was that I finally fell asleep, but I did and didn’t wake up until 9:30 a.m. today.

NR:  The new day brought new strength in the movement of my left ankle and foot…..  My new found courage allowed me to walk 1 lap around the house with the walker today while no one was here.  I felt good.  I felt confident.  Tomorrow I am going to shoot for two laps.  I have previously done 5 laps around the house but that was while my Aunt Dorothy and Victor were here.  Doing laps alone is a new exercise for me not only physically but I am exercising my mental strength.

I heard a saying recently that I love….  Mind over Matter – If you don’t mind then it don’t matter.   This is my attitude now while doing laps around the house.  I don’t mind if I fall while trying so it doesn’t matter if I fall while trying.  I just need to keep trying.

I thank and praise God for holding me up.  He is my counselor, my healer, my provider!

Today my house feels very empty.  🙁   And although the summer heat lingers, summer vacation is over.  For the past month, I’ve been fortunate enough to have the company of my east coast family.  My cousins and my grandmother added so much love and energy to my home over the past month that it now feels strange for them to be gone.  My family brought so much joy in the time that they were here.  There is something about being around the people that love you that is so good for the mind, body and spirit.

What has become crystal clear to me is that the physical healing of my body is very much tied into the proper mental stimulation and spiritual healing.

Grandma, Dawn, Robin, Destajia, Monica, Bronson, Raymond, Jewel, Mara, Ruben, Kevin, Ralph…..  You guys mean the world to me and I am so glad that we all had the opportunity to spend time together this summer.

August 2012 BBQ

NR:  Over the past several weeks, I’ve experienced progress in very small doses.  I’ve gained strength in my core which is allowing me to stand and better maintain my balance.  I’m also experiencing progress with the range of motion in my ankles and hips.  But more importantly, I’m experiencing a healing of my “mind-set” and by that I mean that I’m feeling courageous again.  I’m feeling less like a victim and more like a conqueror!

PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL MY BLESSINGS FLOW!!!!!!

I don’t know if I told you that as a result of the Transverse Myelitis, I lost sensation in my lower body.  What this means is that, if you ran your hand across my leg, I would not feel it or if you placed something very hot onto my skin, I would not feel that either.  What I do feel in my legs is pressure.  So if you squeezed my knee then I would feel that.

Back in July 2011, when I showered, I use to feel the warmth of the water on my upper thigh of my right leg, but that only lasted for a short while.  Today, while showering, I felt the warmth of the water on the toes of my right foot!  Yeah 🙂

That is how my body is handling heat and warmth.  Now, cold is another sensation altogether.  Cold water on my legs is terribly painful.  I need to do some research on why this is so…..  I will report back when I find out anything worth reporting.

It is 12:40 a.m and I am just making it to bed.  I was all cuddled up in bed and began to reflect on the day that just ended.  I began to feel so thankful that I had to get up and memorialize the day here on my Blahg.

I am so very lucky to have the friends that I have.  They are quality people that stand the test of time and distance and everything in between.  I got a late night call from a friend that I have not seen in almost 10 years.  He said he was on the west coast and that he wanted to get together while he was in town.  I was so surprised because his “in town” was 4 hours away in Las Vegas.   I could not believe that Clinton was sitting here with us.  It just so happens that Jasmine and Dawn and Kevin were all here so his visit was truly like a  little family reunion.  It brought joy to my heart to see him.  Again, I feel so grateful to have such good friends.  What a pleasant surprise!

Today is going to be a quiet day for me.  No visitors or company are expected today.  I feel good today other than the nerve pain in my back and along the shin of my right leg.  Its hot and humid today which makes the house a little uncomfortable but it is bearable.

I’ve been a little lazy today when it comes to doing my exercises.  I’ve been focusing primarily on standing and stretching at the waist and performing dynamic movements while standing.  To be honest, I don’t even feel like doing this but oddly enough, by body wont let me sit still.  I am uncomfortable if I sit too long so I get my butt up and just do it. 🙂

I noticed today that I was bleeding on the back of my thigh.  I have no idea how this happened since I don’t have feeling in that part of my leg.  I have been so careful not to injure myself carelessly and now after almost two years, this happens.  Ugh!  I wonder how others are handling this??????????????

Anyway, I started this post to say that it is really important that we take a day to relax.   God tells us to be anxious for nothing.   It is not easy instruction to put into practice but we at least have to try.   So if you are reading this post, do  yourself a favor and at least try.  I mean, really, what can happen…… I’m counting on success and if you don’t succeed, at least you have exercised that muscle and it will be easier the next time around…..

Stay encouraged!

I woke up on July 9th feeling different.  It is hard for me to pinpoint or describe what I felt.  The only thing that I can say is that I felt more confident in my ability to stand up.  Momentarily, I thought about just throwing caution to the wind and standing up then immediately make a made dash across the room without the walker or the wheelchair.  I really felt as if I would make it.  But as I sat there trying to figure the logistics of the daredevil task, I quickly decided against it.   I had to laugh at my temporary bravado.  No, I would not attempt it that day, but I knew in my heart that this day is soon coming.  Instead of making the mad dash, I decided that I would stand and take a few steps to my wheelchair and use the nightstand and side of the bed for support in case I lost my balance.  Typically, I just scoot myself over and transfer my butt onto the chair.  As of today this will become a thing of the past.  Only walking now…baby step, baby step.  As I took those steps toward the wheelchair, I felt stronger and more confident.  I also felt very proud of myself.  I felt as if I had more of a mental victory than a physical victory.

The past several weeks has been much like riding a roller coaster.  I was feeling depressed and didn’t feel up to any social activity.  I am so grateful that my aunt Dorothy and her friend Victor come over to visit me.  Even on the days when I feel the worst, their visits always make me feel better.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I have had some very excellent days.  I feel good in my spirit.  I have been feeling truly happy – the kind of happy that naturally puts a smile on your face and keeps it there in spite of any chaos that may be swirling around in the atmosphere.  And there has been chaos to deal with – ha!   My air conditioning unit stopped working and that is disastrous in this 115 degree heat.   If that wasn’t enough, the evaporative cooler then failed.  Oh, that wasn’t all.   There are gopher’s tearing up my back yard and I think they pissed off all the ants because the ants have now invaded my house!   I have to admit that I have dropped the “F” bomb more this past week than I have in years.

Aside from all that drama, I have to report that I am experiencing noticeable progress with my therapy.  My therapists and I are concentrating more on balance and core strength.  I feel my balance getting better and I feel as if I can stand with ease like never before.  I still have to think about the steps and movements when I stand but not as much as before.   We are also working on dynamic movements at therapy where I am standing and moving my upper body and limbs in different directions.  I am excited about my healing and my progress because I feel less dependent on others.  Also, my household tasks are becoming less taxing.   I am not as exhausted from doing simple tasks like washing dishes or doing laundry.  These are the markers that I use to measure progress.  This is good news!

I want to encourage you to take note of these types of things and be excited about all of your progress.  It does not matter how small the progression may be because it is all cumulative.  It will all add up to something greater so be glad (as hard as it is).  I encourage you to at least “try” to keep a happy heart.   A happy heart heals much!!!!

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I didn’t have PT this week.  I feel very pissed off and really have nothing positive to say!  I’m a “Debbie Downer” and don’t really want to be bothered by anything or anyone.

Typically, I will just be silent and not say anything or post anything but I was just thinking that part of recovery is experiencing the lows as well as the highs.

Every day is not a great day.  Sometimes there are simply good days or there are fair days.  Sometimes there are just bad days when I just feel like chucking all the effort that I’ve put in so far.  Days when I feel like crying and screaming because I feel so mad at losing my independence and losing control of the ability to get around and being at the mercy of others.

This past week has been filled with very bad days but I feel the burden getting lighter.  So I just want everyone to know that if they are feeling bad and everyday feels like a dark lonely night, remember that “joy comes in the morning.”  So hang in there and don’t give up because that is what I’m going to do!

Today when I went to physical therapy it was 108 degrees.  I arrived a few moments early so I maneuvered my chair near the water dispenser.  A few moments later, this hefty man came in with sweat on his brow and made a bee-line to the dispenser.  He pulled out a cup and looked at the cup as if it had broken off in his hand before coming all the way out of the dispenser.  When he realized that the cup size was half the size of a shot glass all he could say was “hmph, hmph, hmph” and he and I both burst into laughter at the ridiculousness of the size of the cups.   Come on West Point, now you know this is silly.   Can we get adult sized cups up in this joint….pleaaaase!

NR:  This has been a great week at physical therapy with regard to my progress.  I am being transitioned from the walker to the use of canes.  I have to really focus on my core strength and my balance.  When I lose my balance, I seem to fall backward so I have to work on transferring and shifting my weight forward onto my toes… but not so much so that I go flying forward.  This past Tuesday, June 26th was the first time that I tried walking with the canes.  I have to admit that I was terrified at first.  Not terrified that I would fall but terrified that I would fail.  But PRAISE BE TO GOD, I CAN DO ALL THINGS THRU CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME.  I did it, it was not pretty but I did it.

I have posted a video clip of today’s session.  Just click on the link above and to the right Video Clips of Progress.

Today when I got to therapy, we did the same exercise and Darlene stated immediately that I looked stronger doing the exercise today than I did on Tuesday.   And I did, indeed, feel stronger and more confident today.  I wasn’t as fearful today either.    I must remember to confess that GOD HAS NOT GIVEN ME THE SPIRIT OF FEAR.

I can’t believe that so much time has passed since my last blahg entry.  I hope I haven’t made any strangers of my readers.   I am told that writing boring entries more detrimental as not writing at all and since I’ve been absolutely boring, I’ve been silent….

That is not to say that I haven’t been doing anything.

I’ve been tackling all of the mail that has stacked  up at least 2 feet on my desk.  Seriously, we need to outlaw the mailing of all these sales circulars.  How many trees are we annihilating for the sake of letting John Q public know that there is a sale on crap that is still marked up 50% too high!

I’ve been crocheting a baby blanket for my daughter (no, she is not pregnant) because she is still my baby no matter how old she is – HA!  Its blue, pink, green and yellow and is as tall as she is and going to be twice as wide as she is.

I’ve read three books since my last posting.  The first one which I highly recommend is “Room: A Novel” by Emma Donoghue.  The second one which I only slightly recommend is “The Inquisitor: A Novel” by Mark Allen Smith and the third one is “The Lion, the Lamb, the Hunted” by Andrew E. Kaufman which proved to be a great thriller.  Now, I’ve started another one titled “Trial Junkies (A Thriller)” by Robert Gregory Browne.

The novel by Emma Donoghue really impacted me and it was intriguing how I can personally relate to the imprisonment experienced by Jack.   The similarity for me is being imprisoned by my physical impairment and my escape from it and how it makes me see the real world in an entirely different light.

I’m also babysitting my daughter’s doggies while she is on vacation.  I’m not going to give them back.  They are the best doggies ever….. they know how to use the doggie door and they actually use it, they are sweet as ever and we sing/howl every afternoon together.  The desert heat seems to have given them relief from the stupid fleas that attack them down where she lives.   Might be a custody battle yall – HA!

I’ve also been exercising my butt off.  In physical therapy last week (June 18th) I took my first steps without the walker BUT holding onto Darlene the therapist instead.  I also tried to take a few steps using a cane for support.  I wasn’t that successful using the cane but i did pretty good walking while holding onto Darlene.  I feel like walking independently is right around the corner.  I’ve been focusing on core strength and balance.  This is sooooooo hard!  But who the heck said it was going to be easy anyway.  Gotta keep it moving!